Promises, Promises – “Figure it Out” 

In our current series, we’ve been talking about the four promises of a fulfilling marriage relationship, and this week we continue with a look at the promise that addresses perhaps the most difficult part of that relationship: conflict.  Figuring out our conflicts (and they will come…) is one of the most important keys to a successful and lasting marriage – and how we react to them is everything.

1.  The Promise of “Over-Underreacting” (Matthew 5:39-42)

• In his most famous collection of teachings – what’s commonly known as “the Sermon on the Mount” – Jesus gives his followers some tough and highly counter-cultural instructions about how we are to react when someone insults us, demeans us, or takes advantage of us. In short, those instructions might be summed up as “don’t overreact.” 
• As humans, we’re typically quick to react when we sense an affront by someone – and more often than not, we overreact. But Jesus teaches something different: when you sense an affront, respond with the opposite. Don’t react, don’t try to get what’s “fair,” don’t overreact.
• Jesus’ advice (or command, if you’re his follower) applies directly to our marriage relationships. When we sense that our spouse/partner has offended us or is unfairly asking too much of us, we aren’t to react or overreact – we’re to “over-underreact” by responding with kindness, humility and generosity.

2. What We’re Saying Is…  (Matthew 5:43-45) some text
   • Jesus continues his teaching in “the Sermon,” and seems at first to be moving on to other issues (e.g., “love your enemies”). But a closer look shows that he’s continuing to explain his command to “over-underreact” – to respond to conflict in unexpected and counter-cultural ways.
   • In the passage (verses 43-45), Jesus is asking us to trust him with our reaction to affronts, conflicts, and perceived injustices with our spouses (and others). In effect, he’s telling us to “say” three things with our reactions – three things that display our trust in him:some text
     1. “Not Right Now” – When we “over-underreact” to conflict, we’re saying that we don’t have to respond, don’t have to get justice, and don’t have to “fix this” right now. Instead, Jesus tells us to take the time even to pray for the situation and for our partner. And prayer isn’t fast…
     2. “God’s Got This One” – Jesus continues by reminding us that God is in control – so we don’t have to (and shouldn’t) seek to control our spouses with our reaction to conflict. If we can trust that “God’s got it,” we’ll feel much less inclined to have to control the situation with our reaction/overreaction.
     3. “Love Will Work” – When we decide – in the midst of affronts from and heated conflicts with our partner – that we are going to “over-underreact,” we’re declaring that the way of Jesus (i.e., love) works. We’re declaring that we can trust him with any affront, any injustice, any conflict – especially our conflicts with our spouse, the one we’ve promised to love forever.

ADDITIONAL SCRIPTURE

These passages may provide additional insights related to the subject of this week’s message. All verses are NLT unless otherwise noted.

Proverbs 15:1; Romans 12:14-21; 1 Corinthians 13:4-6; Colossians 3:12-13; Hebrews 12:14; James 1:19-20

Video of the Week: The Sermon on the Mount – Enemy Love by the Bible Project

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION

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1. In general, would you say that you’re a person who’s slow to react, quick to react, or quick to overreact when you sense that someone isn’t treating you kindly, respectfully or fairly?  Explain your answer.  

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2. How does that tendency affect how you manage conflict in your marriage (or closest relationships)? 

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3. Read Matthew 5:38-45 again. Jesus’ commands to his followers here are a bit outrageous if you think about them – being kind, helpful and forgiving to those who insult, injure, take advantage of, and demean us. Do you think these are just lofty ideals that Jesus is offering up, or does he really expect his followers to react that way in the real world?  Explain your answer. 

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4. How, exactly, is “over-underreacting” to the conflicts, affronts and perceived injustices in our marriages counter-cultural?  

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5. Do you think our propensity to quickly and angrily react or overreact to affronts and perceived injustices (in our marriages, and in our world) is an indicator of a weak faith in Jesus?  Why or why not?

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6. Thinking about one of the “hot-button” issues/conflicts in your marriage relationship (the words or behavior from your spouse that really tend to tick you off), what would it look like if you “over-underreacted”? What would you say, and what would you do?

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